Saying goodbye to Jameson

Last Monday, we had to say goodbye to our pup Jameson, so if this topic is triggering for you, go ahead and stop today’s episode and join me again next week.

I think I wanted to create today’s episode as a way for me to process this past week. I also want to do something instead of nothing. I’ve worked so hard to build systems and routines in my life and bad things happening are part of life. There’s never going to be a time when things work out perfectly for 12 months. It just doesn’t exist so this me showing up even when life Is imperfect

And it has been imperfect the last week

It's been the crappiest week.

On Sunday going into Monday, I woke up a few times and just felt like something wasn’t right with Jameson. I still went to my normal 6am running class but just felt awful. I just walked the entire class, had my eyes closed, my right hand holding the treadmill so I didn’t fall off.

I couldn’t stop thinking about the pup and was tearing up and crying on and off. I went to my office after class and was journaling and then texted Paul to ask about her and got reassurance she was doing ok.

So here’s the thing about Jameson. Over the tears, there have been about 3-4 times I thought it was the end, but she always got better. She was just so resilient. I always said she had more food to eat, she wasn’t going to give top that easily.

I texted Paul I was finishing my weekly newsletter and would head home. And I don’t think I thought anything different. Right this is just going to be a normal Monday.

And then I walked in and saw Paul laying with Jameson on the bed and crying, and I immediately knew this was the end. We always said we would know when it was time, and this is the first time we both were in agreement it was time. I always said when I looked at my pup’s eyes and felt like she didn’t want to be alive anymore, it would be time.

We gave her peanut butter and 2 sticks of string cheese. And then a vet came a little bit later, and my world was destroyed.

We felt empty the rest of Monday. I don’t even know what food I ate. We live in a tiny apartment, so we did force ourselves to get out of the house and go for a walk.

But I felt like we were avoiding our neighbors. I just didn’t want to talk to anyone yet.

I woke up in the middle of the night from Monday to Tuesday thinking I heard the pup. I couldn’t fall back asleep and just headed onto our porch with a blanket and sat there and cried. I canceled my running class, and Paul and I just went for a Long walk together.

The rest of the week feels like a blur, but I know I did go to class again on Weds, Thursday, Friday, and Sunday. We went to the gym on Saturday. Everything feels like a mess. The week went by so fast. I can’t believe she’s been gone a whole week.

There are so many triggers in the house. When I open the door to come in, I sense that my dog is going to get up to greet me, but she doesn’t. When I open the fridge and see the package of carrots in the door, I want to grab one and throw it to her, but she’s not there. When I get out of the shower, I expect to see her on the bath mat waiting for me.

This week has been awful.

I feel like the one thing I have been doing a good job of is moving my body. I haven’t hit any PRs but I have walked or run or biked or lifted every day When I talk about movement for mental health, it’s just been so helpful It’s like getting my heart rate top has also helped my body calm down.

It’s also given me something to do during the day. I have a little notecard reminding myself that one antidote to depression is keeping a schedule of activities to interrupt depressive thoughts. There’s been plenty of time of me sitting in bed and crying, but I can’t do that for 24 hours. I need to do other things. And exercise has served it’s purpose.

I remember in 2021 when Jameson had old dog syndrome for the second time and I thought she was going to die, a friend who lost their parent to Covid in 2020 let me know that how much I was hurting feels intense, but it won’t always feel that intense, with time, it passes, it heals, it feels less intense.

I made it through writing this without tears. I feel kinda empty inside. I am not sure if my eyes even have anymore tears to cry right now. I miss my dog so much.

And that’s the episode. I am going to keep trucking along. I have classes scheduled for the week. And I will be back next week for the second episode of the food series.